Why do I always think of updating only when I'm upset?
Hmm.. But nevertheless, here's the only place I can really release and vent my anger.
Warning: This is an extremely emotional and depressing article. Don't read, especially if you have been on a very good mood for the day. You have been warned.
I never ever thought, that one decision can really make such a great difference in my life. The decision to do something that will really change one's life. Perhaps not drastically, but enough to spend about 1/5 of a year on it.
I shouldn't have become an Md. Seriously. I didn't have the aptitude for it, neither do I have the ability to. At first, I thought I would gain experience somehow. At first, I thought I would eventually have the confidence to do what I aim to do. At first, I thought I could do it. But after one year, I realise, this is not my path after all.
I didn't handle things well enough. I screw things up. I let many people down. I disappoint them totally. Not only that, I myself didn't improve much from last year. My 'analysis' of music is shallower than anyone else. Most importantly, I really can't do it.
Its not really nice to have your senior to come asking, "So do you think YOU can do it instead?" or neither is it very nice to have your juniors doubt you. Or overpower. Or think you are useless. Its utterly, disgusting.
Argh, why did I ever land myself into all these crap? Sure it is a "learning experience". Sure it is a taste of what its going to be like in the real world. But.. this is my last two years of "school". I don't want it to be like that, yet. Its hard to make friends when people are either making use of you, or are insincere, or worst, even mocking at your failure.
Or maybe, I am not exactly fit to be part of this whole system.
{autumngardens}
